When were you thinking about that? While you were opening gmail again or scrolling down Instagram? Or was it while you were drooling down your newsfeed and clicking “play next episode”?
If you need to think about something then allot time to think about it. Set aside time to think about that thing and only that thing. No music, no texts - no electronics. Your brain can’t compete with them. They’re more interesting. That is, until you think back to what you were just thinking about and realize that you weren’t thinking about anything. You were staring without absorbing. Hearing without listening. Enjoying without processing. You were hypnotized. And you were in that trance for a long time. An hour. Five hours. The past five years. Now you have to think about something and you’ve forgotten how to think. You’ve been asked to find an original thought so you quickly flip through your website rolodex. They always have interesting thoughts. But they’re not your thoughts. They’re the things you stare at. You close your screen because three hours have somehow passed and you have nothing to show. You just have the pull to reopen your laptop so you can feel the warmth of your glowing screen.
If only you knew that the idea is hiding. It’s in Laurelhurst Park. On that bench next to waterlogged horseshoe pit. In that exact area where you can’t get reception.
The Angel Gabriel appears to the Virgin Mary and tells her that she’s pregnant with the Jesus.
Mary: AHHHHH! GHOST!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Gabriel: Mary! Mary, calm down. It’s OK. I’m not a ghost, I’m an angel. My name’s Gabriel. God sent me.
Mary: Wh-what do you want?
Gabriel: I’m here to tell you that you are pregnant with the savior of the world.
Mary: I’m what?
Gabriel: You’re pregnant.
Mary: Wait. How?
Gabriel: God has chosen you to carry his only begotten son.
Mary: No, I mean, how can I be pregnant? I’m not preggers. I’m a virgin.
Gabriel: Anything is possible through the power of our Lord.
Mary: FUCK. God got me pregnant? How do you even protect yourself against that?
Gabriel: Again, anything is possible through the power of the Lord. There was nothing you could do.
Mary: But I didn’t want to be pregnant.
Gabriel: God chose you.
Mary: So God wanted me pregnant so he just did it without asking?
Mary: I mean, I would have said yes - wait. Wait. What am I going to tell my boyfriend?
Gabriel: Tell him the truth.
Mary: Tell him I’m pregnant with God’s kid? But don’t worry honey, I’m still a virgin.
Gabriel: Yeah…well…we’ll send him an angel if doesn’t buy it.
Mary: Man…this sucks. Joseph’s gonna kill me.
Gabriel: The Lord will protect you.
Mary: The Lord’s done enough for now. Give me some time to think. Are there any perks? Is there anything especially difficult about giving birth to God’s kid?
Gabriel: Well it has to take place in a barn.
Mary: I have to give birth in a barn?! WHAT? Is this a joke?
Gabriel: The Lord God doesn’t joke.
Mary: Man, well. I don’t know where to start. What will I name him…
Gabriel: Oh we’ve already decided on the name. It’s Jesus.
Mary: Jesus? Really? Nah, I know too many Jesuses. And I went to grade school with a Jesus that used to pee in his pants. No, it can’t be Jesus. I’ll call him Joseph. That will help me smooth things over with my boyfriend.
Gabriel: No, his name has to be Jesus.
Mary: That can’t be his middle name?
Gabriel: No, it’s gotta be Jesus.
Mary: My boyfriend’s going to kill me.
Agents Lampard and Alekna were outside the enemy compound. Lampard knew it was a suicide mission and wanted to go forward alone. He wanted to save Alekna’s life.
Lampard: Now if I can just pick this lock…
Suddenly Lampard swung his fist up, connecting with Alekna’s nose. Alekna dropped to the ground.
Alekna: OUCH! Ouch man! What the fuck? Why’d you do that?
Lampard: I’m saving your life.
Alekna: Awwww man. Awww…that really hurt! Fuck man! Oh look. Great. My nose is bleeding.
Lampard: You’ll thank me later.
Alekna: Thank you later? I think you broke my nose.
Lampard: Let me take a look at that.
Alekna: Does it look crooked?
Lampard: Move your hands. I can’t see.
Alekna dropped his hands and Lampard punched again as hard as he could. Alekna fell to the ground.
Alekna: DUDE! FUUUUUCK! God damnit that hurt. What the fuck man? That’s going to be a black eye. Stop hitting me!
Lampard: You want me to stop saving your life?
Alekna: Saving my life? Dude, we have baracks pictures next week. Now my face is going to be all swollen.
Lampard: At least you’ll have a face.
Alekna: What are you talking about? Do you have any ice packs?
Lampard: Let me check.
Lampard began looking through his backpack.
Lampard: I think I see some at the bottom. Can you hold this while I reach down?
As Alekna held the bag Lampard swung his head forward, landing his forehead on Alekna’s nose.
Alekna: FUUUUUCK! OWWWWW! Ow. I’m going to kick your fucking ass Lampard! Why’d you do that?
Lampard: Do what? This?
Lampard swung his boot, landing the steel tip on Alekna’s shin.
Alekna: Awwww! Damnit. Right in the shin bone! God damnit!
Lampard: Sorry. I meant to kick you in the crotch.
Alekna: You tried to kick my crotch? Why? Aww man. I gotta walk this off.
Alekna began limping away from the wall. Lampard followed him.
Lampard: I’ve realized that I don’t know how to deliver a knockout punch, so I’m trying to make you pass out from the pain. I figured a kick in the groin-
Alekna: Ow…this is going to be a big bruise…
Lampard: It’s for your own good.
Alekna: What is?
Lampard swung again and landed his fist on Alekna’s jaw, knocking him to the ground. He then jumped on top of him and held his fingers over his mouth and nose while leaning on his chest. He was trying to simulate a trick he and his friends used to do in grade school to make each other pass out.
Alekna twisted and squirmed to try to get out from under him.
Lampard: Don’t fight it! Don’t fight it…just slip into unconsciousness. This is for your own good. You’re going to thank me when I don’t return.
Boss: Come in, Weaver, come in. What have you got for me today? Something good? I need something good! Nick at Night is killin us. Killin us Weaver! So whaddya got?
Weaver: So um, we’re looking for a family show-
Boss: Families are great! Love families. You a family man, Weaver? That’s how we’re gonna get the families - showin em families.
Weaver: Yes, so I was thinking it would be a family with three daughters.
Boss: Three daughters, a mom and no sons - too many women Weaver! Men don’t want to see too many women and men hold the remote!
Weaver: Well I was thinking the daughters would be raised by three men…
Boss: Three men! What kind of show are you trying to pitch me Weaver?
Weaver: Well, hear me out, sir. Hear me out. One is the dad. He’s nerdy, you know, an unhip dad, obsessed with things being clean but we all like him.
Boss: Where’s his wife?
Weaver: She’s dead. Hit by a drunk driver.
Boss: Drunk driver - heavy stuff here Weaver, heavy stuff! I asked for a family show not dead mothers!
Weaver: We’ll never even acknowledge how she died - she’s just not in the picture. If we ever acknowledge it, it’ll be a quick flashback.
Boss: Alright well, go on. Who are these other guys?
Weaver: OK so you have the cool uncle. He’s a rock ‘n roll type: big hair, Harley - the heartthrob of the show who’s quick with a catch phrase. He’s the brother of the dead wife who moved in to help raise the daughters.
Boss: Ok, Ok, I’ll buy that. Nice. This is good stuff Weaver. Good stuff! Now the other guy, what are you thinking? The grandfather? I like this big family picture Weaver. I like it!
Weaver: Nah, he’s not the grandfather. He’s a friend of the family who also came to help raise the girls. He’s like their nanny. The girls consider him an uncle. And eventually he’ll come out as being gay.
Boss: WHAT?! On a family show! Weaver have you lost your goddamn mind? A gay uncle on a family show?
Weaver: He’s not really their uncle.
Boss: Oh he’s just the gay guy living in the attic?
Weaver: No, he’ll live on the daybed behind the couch, and eventually move into the basement. The rocker uncle lives in the attic.
Boss: No - NO! America is not ready for a gay uncle.
Weaver: We can push boundaries, sir!
Boss: No, no, America is just not ready for a gay uncle.
Weaver: How bout this: we’ll never say he’s gay. He just never dates women. Then, if ratings drop, we’ll making a shocking announcement.
Boss: Ugh…Weaver. What are you doing to me here? What are you doin?
Weaver: Sir, this show could be huge.
Boss: This uncle, is his funny gay?
Weaver: Of course! He’s the comic relief. Actually I was thinking he does standup at night in downtown San Fran.
Boss: San Fran?! This show takes place in San Francisco? Is this a fucking joke Weaver? Three grown men living together in San Francisco? Get the hell out of my office!
Eros: My goodness Niko! I have discovered yet another figure in the stars. Orion’s sandal lace!
Niko: Splendid sire! Splendid. The gods are good.
Eros: Yes indeed. Yes in-deed.
Niko: Congratulations, sire. I will notify the magistrate first thing tomorrow.
Eros: Do you see it Niko?
Niko: My lord knows I do not possess the skills to identify constellations like his grace.
Eros: Yes of course, but this one is so obvious. You must see it. It’s next to the tie rack I discovered last night. Just look up, Niko.
Niko: Ok well, let me see here.
Eros: That’s it, face this way and look up at the stars. See it?
Niko: Hmm…how many stars is it, sire?
Eros: Six of course.
Niko: And they’re in a straight line?
Eros: What - no! What sandal lace ever lies in a straight line? Just look up. It starts with that kind of bright star there, goes down and to the right to the star right there that’s about the same brightness as the one above it that’s not part of the lace, then down again to the really bright one, turns sharply to that star you can barely see, up to the average looking star, then back down to that star right there. Do you see it?
Niko: Hmmm…I believe I-
Eros: Follow my finger. See?
Niko: Following your finger…are you pointing at the kind of bright star or-
Eros: The tip of the lace, Niko. How do you not see it? Here, stand next to me. I’ll place my arms along the sides of your head so you can follow my fingers.
Niko: Thank you, my lord.
Eros: Do you see it?
Eros: Confounded Niko! You’re not looking high enough. I’m going to place my hand under your beard - with my finger still pointed! - so you know how high to look.
Niko: Thank you, my lord.
Eros: But not too high! Here, I’ll put my chin on the top of your head to help direct. Now follow my arm that’s running next to your face.
Niko: Yes, my lord.
Eros: Do you see it?
Niko: Should I keep my eyes straight?
Eros: Gods be damned Niko! Of course not. Look up! Do you see it? It’s that one, that one, that one, that one, that one and that one. Do you see it?
Niko: Yes - yes! I believe I do. Ahh yes, of course. That one, that one, that one, that one, that one and that one.
Eros: No, no, no! Orion’s sandal lace is that one, that one, that one, that one, that one and that one.
Niko: I believe I said that one, that one, that-
Eros: Do you dare correct me, Niko?
Niko: No of course not, sire. A million apologies. I think we’re looking at the same
Eros: We’re looking at the same stars, are we? Then what end of the sandal lace has the plastic tip?
Niko: My lord?
Eros: What end of the constellation I discovered has a plastic tip? It should be clear if we’re looking at the same constellation.
Niko: Sire, my astrological skills are no match to knowledge that you’ve-
Eros: Which end has the plastic tips, Niko?
Niko: Sire I um…ahhh, I just don’t-
Eros: Niko if you do not answer me you will spend the rest of your days locked so far away that you won’t know if it is the sun or the stars that shine from above. Now answer the question. Which end of Orion’s sandal lace has the plastic tips?
Niko: Yes, sire. Well let me see. Can you position my head again?
Eros: Of course.
Girl: Before we begin the following proceedings, the Slumber Party asks that every “base” referenced throughout the review is clearly defined to make sure that all expectations are aligned.
Boy: Yes, of course. That makes sense. Perfect sense. And the Bachelor Party would like to take this time to thank the Slumber Party for accepting our invitation. We look forward to a fruitful discussion.
Girl: Yes, well, we could only say no and makes excuses so many times.
Boy: Thank you.
Girl: Shall we begin?
Boy: Yes let’s start. Whatever you’re comfortable with.
Girl: In accordance with the Bus Ride Convention, let us define Base 1 as an open-mouth kiss during which the tongues of the engaged parties touch and move in a circular motion. Both mouths should be open as wide as possible with complete disregard to the amount of saliva that spreads across both parties’ cheeks.
Boy: The sloppier the better.
Girl: Well -
Boy: We’d also like to add a referendum to Base 1.
Boy: The Bachelor Party moves to have “hands placed firmly on the buttocks, occasionally squeezing,” added to the definition of Base 1.
Girl: One moment while I confer with my BFFs. [Whispers, notes passed, Dawson’s Creek referenced.]
Girl: We are in agreement with the placement of the hands. [Cheers erupt from the Bachelor Party.] HOWEVER! However, hands can only be placed on the buttocks during slow dances to Brian McKnight songs and squeezing should be kept to a minimal. And council, try to be cognisant of your “hip pokes.”
Boy: You don’t like the hip pokes.
Girl: Are you serious? No. They make us uncomfortable.
Girl: Now on the reason we’re all here: Base 2. [Whoops and cheers and shouts erupt from the Bachelor Party.] Council - COUNCIL! Contain your associates.
Boy: Yes, ma’am. Sorry.
Girl: Let us define Base 2 as the caressing and massaging of breasts. [Whoop, whoop!] Now, at this stage of the negotiation, the Slumber Party is willing to green light this operation [subtle hi-fives] PROVIDED a few perameters are followed.
Boy: Yes, yes, parameters. Of course.
Girl: To start, Base 2 is defined as caressing and massaging, not squeezing or grabbing and only TASTEFUL pinches on rare occasions. Is that understood, council?
Boy: [Barely containing excitement] Yes, ma’am. And, uh, just to be clear, we’re talking about under the shirt and bra, right?
Girl: One moment please. [Whispers, notes, stories of past experiences and Felicity discussed.]
Girl: Yes, council. Base 2 will take place under the shirt and bra, though we must insist that the members of the Bachelor Party research and understand how to operate a bra. It’s incredibly simple. Quite frankly, we don’t understand how you don’t understand how it works. It makes us question your intelligence.
Boy: Thank you.
Girl: And, the progression to Base 2 can only take place after at least 15 minutes of Base 1 activity or snuggling.
Boy: Does that mean we have to snuggle?
Girl: Snuggle or partake in Base 1.
Boy: Oh ok. Cool. Deal.
Girl: And with that we conclude-
Boy: Scuse me, council. I’m sorry for interrupting. I um, well the Bachelor Party uh, we move to open discussion on Base 2, Oral Stimulation.
[Gasps and anxious murmurs sweep the recess yard.]
Girl: You may proceed, council. Though I encourage caution.
Boy: Yes, ma’am. Thank you. According to the traditions passed from older siblings, movies and images on America Online, Base 2, Oral Stimulation shall be referred to as the “Sloppy Addendum.”
Boy: and it is defined as the kissing and caressing-
Girl: Yes, we are familiar with these stories, council.
Boy: OK, we just wanted to make sure are all in agreement
Girl: With what oral stimulation is? Yes, we understand the concept.
Boy: OK. Well uh, the Bachelor Party moves to have Base 2 - including the Sloppy Addendum - added to the repertoire…
[Gasps erupted from the Slumber Party while whoops, cheers and hi fives poured in from the Bachelor Party. Boyfriends stared at their hands while their girlfriends grill them with accusatory eyes, wondering if their boyfriends had put him up to it.]
Girl: ORDER! Contain your party, council.
Boy: Yes, ma’am. Sorry. If it pleases the yard, I’d um, I’d like to state my case.
Girl: You may proceed.
Boy: To start, we’ve been going out for five months. Granted, we haven’t gone to many places, but my brother is getting his license soon and will be able to take us to more movies. I’d also like to point out my history of restrained gossip. Any advancements in our relationship have only been shared with 3-4 friends, as allowed by the Locker Room Convention, I never miss a slow song, and I did see She’s All That and Titanic-
Girl: You liked Titanic!
Boy: I’ve also attended three volleyball games. And finally, I would um, I mean the Bachelor Party would uh, like to point out that you, um…you already went this far with Brian Lucas.
[Gasps and shouts erupted across the yard.]
Girl: How did you-
Boy: I’m not angry, I’m just sayin…
Girl: That, that - that was the summer - down the shore! That doesn’t count. I was-
Boy: And in accordance with the time-honored Rules of the Bases, which states that all activities experienced in previous relationships shall be enjoyed by those in the current relationship, that means that I should be able to get to Base 2, the Sloppy Addendum.
Boy: We can do it together - it will be special! Because I like you so much and I just want to
In line, after recess.
Reporter: In an unforeseen turn of events, the Bachelor Party has scored a major victory as they gained approval for Base 2, including the Sloppy Addendum.
Sources say the event will transpire this Saturday night behind the bushes next to the rec center. Since the ground behind the bushes is littered with sticks and pine needles, it is widely assumed that both parties will be standing up at the time, making the experience both awkward and uncomfortable. Sources are already speculating that neither of these two things will bother the Boy.