The Commission

Recess, 1996.

Girl: Before we begin the following proceedings, the Slumber Party asks that every “base” referenced throughout the review is clearly defined to make sure that all expectations are aligned.

Boy: Yes, of course. That makes sense. Perfect sense. And the Bachelor Party would like to take this time to thank the Slumber Party for accepting our invitation. We look forward to a fruitful discussion.

Girl: Yes, well, we could only say no and makes excuses so many times.

Boy: Thank you.

Girl: Shall we begin?

Boy: Yes let’s start. Whatever you’re comfortable with.

Girl: In accordance with the Bus Ride Convention, let us define Base 1 as an open-mouth kiss during which the tongues of the engaged parties touch and move in a circular motion. Both mouths should be open as wide as possible with complete disregard to the amount of saliva that spreads across both parties’ cheeks.

Boy: The sloppier the better.

Girl: Well -

Boy: We’d also like to add a referendum to Base 1.

Girl: …

Boy: The Bachelor Party moves to have “hands placed firmly on the buttocks, occasionally squeezing,” added to the definition of Base 1.

Girl: One moment while I confer with my BFFs. [Whispers, notes passed, Dawson’s Creek referenced.]   

Girl: We are in agreement with the placement of the hands. [Cheers erupt from the Bachelor Party.] HOWEVER! However, hands can only be placed on the buttocks during slow dances to Brian McKnight songs and squeezing should be kept to a minimal. And council, try to be cognisant of your “hip pokes.”

Boy: You don’t like the hip pokes.

Girl: Are you serious? No. They make us uncomfortable.

Boy: Noted.

Girl: Now on the reason we’re all here: Base 2. [Whoops and cheers and shouts erupt from the Bachelor Party.] Council - COUNCIL! Contain your associates.

Boy: Yes, ma’am. Sorry.

Girl: Let us define Base 2 as the caressing and massaging of breasts. [Whoop, whoop!] Now, at this stage of the negotiation, the Slumber Party is willing to green light this operation [subtle hi-fives] PROVIDED a few perameters are followed.

Boy: Yes, yes, parameters. Of course.

Girl: To start, Base 2 is defined as caressing and massaging, not squeezing or grabbing and only TASTEFUL pinches on rare occasions. Is that understood, council?

Boy: [Barely containing excitement] Yes, ma’am. And, uh, just to be clear, we’re talking about under the shirt and bra, right?

Girl: One moment please. [Whispers, notes, stories of past experiences and Felicity discussed.]

Girl: Yes, council. Base 2 will take place under the shirt and bra, though we must insist that the members of the Bachelor Party research and understand how to operate a bra. It’s incredibly simple. Quite frankly, we don’t understand how you don’t understand how it works. It makes us question your intelligence.

Boy: Thank you.  

Girl: And, the progression to Base 2 can only take place after at least 15 minutes of Base 1 activity or snuggling.

Boy: Does that mean we have to snuggle?

Girl: Snuggle or partake in Base 1.

Boy: Oh ok. Cool. Deal.

Girl: And with that we conclude-

Boy: Scuse me, council. I’m sorry for interrupting. I um, well the Bachelor Party uh, we move to open discussion on Base 2, Oral Stimulation.

[Gasps and anxious murmurs sweep the recess yard.]

Girl: You may proceed, council. Though I encourage caution.

Boy: Yes, ma’am. Thank you. According to the traditions passed from older siblings, movies and images on America Online, Base 2, Oral Stimulation shall be referred to as the “Sloppy Addendum.”

Girl: …

Boy: and it is defined as the kissing and caressing-

Girl: Yes, we are familiar with these stories, council.

Boy: OK, we just wanted to make sure are all in agreement

Girl: With what oral stimulation is? Yes, we understand the concept.

Boy: OK. Well uh, the Bachelor Party moves to have Base 2 - including the Sloppy Addendum - added to the repertoire…

[Gasps erupted from the Slumber Party while whoops, cheers and hi fives poured in from the Bachelor Party. Boyfriends stared at their hands while their girlfriends grill them with accusatory eyes, wondering if their boyfriends had put him up to it.]

Girl: ORDER! Contain your party, council.

Boy: Yes, ma’am. Sorry. If it pleases the yard, I’d um, I’d like to state my case.

Girl: You may proceed.

Boy: To start, we’ve been going out for five months. Granted, we haven’t gone to many places, but my brother is getting his license soon and will be able to take us to more movies. I’d also like to point out my history of restrained gossip. Any advancements in our relationship have only been shared with 3-4 friends, as allowed by the Locker Room Convention, I never miss a slow song, and I did see She’s All That and Titanic-

Girl: You liked Titanic!

Boy: I’ve also attended three volleyball games. And finally, I would um, I mean the Bachelor Party would uh, like to point out that you, um…you already went this far with Brian Lucas.

[Gasps and shouts erupted across the yard.]

Girl: How did you-

Boy: I’m not angry, I’m just sayin…

Girl: That, that - that was the summer - down the shore! That doesn’t count. I was-

Boy: And in accordance with the time-honored Rules of the Bases, which states that all activities experienced in previous relationships shall be enjoyed by those in the current relationship, that means that I should be able to get to Base 2, the Sloppy Addendum.

[Gasps!]

Boy: We can do it together - it will be special! Because I like you so much and I just want to

In line, after recess.

Reporter: In an unforeseen turn of events, the Bachelor Party has scored a major victory as they gained approval for Base 2, including the Sloppy Addendum.

Sources say the event will transpire this Saturday night behind the bushes next to the rec center. Since the ground behind the bushes is littered with sticks and pine needles, it is widely assumed that both parties will be standing up at the time, making the experience both awkward and uncomfortable. Sources are already speculating that neither of these two things will bother the Boy.