May 30, 2012
The Ninjas

It was moments before their raid of the evil emperor’s castle. The three best ninjas in all the land hid in the shadows waiting for their fourth comrade. Finally he arrived.


“Hello brothers.”

– “Marty. What the fuck are you wearing?”

“Oh this is my new white tunic.”

– “Why are you wearing a white tunic?”

“Cause I’m a white ninja.”

– “You’re a what?”

“I’m a white ninja.”

– “Oh god damnit Marty!”

– “What the fuck Marty. White ninja? Why would you wear white if you’re a ninja?”

– “We’re trying to be sneaky, Marty. That’s our thing. That’s what ninjas do. You can’t be sneaky at night, in white.”

“I’ll just be extra careful.”

“Fuck you Marty.”

9:56am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z6pp4yMQdrkI
(Notes: 2)
  
May 18, 2012
My New Apartment

I wake up in fully furnished apartment. I see my clothes hanging in the closet next to my dresser, which holds pictures and notebooks, a magazine, a change jar and various essentials. The walls are decorated. I reach over a stack of pillows to my nightstand to turn off my alarm clock and knock over a book.

I walk through a room that I’ve set up as my office to get to the bathroom. My desk stands with its legs in the air, adding another line to my weekend project list. There’s an overstocked bookshelf next to the right of my desk, the rest of the room barren. Nothing adorns the walls and the empty space in the center looks empty. I walk into the other furnished room. I open the mirror. I see my bare essentials, taking my toothbrush with me into the shower, where I see the two bottles I need.

Out of the shower and dressed I unplug NPR, carry it with me to the kitchen and set it on the other chair in the apartment. The uncomfortable one. There isn’t a kitchen table, though there is a “kitchen table.” And there isn’t a kettle to boil water, but a pot works. The walls in the kitchen are an off-white, like the living room, like the office, like the bedroom, like the cabinets, like the rug, like the counter, like the door, like the trim, like the curtains. My dishtowel brightens things up while my speakerless record player mocks me. I get Internet in every corner of my apartment as long as the wire reaches.

I make eggs. When I chose my salt and pepper shakers I chose style over function not realizing how annoying it would be reverting back to working for my pepper. A pint glass for OJ, two-mug rotation for coffee, sugar from the bag, no milk, no ketchup, no sriracha, dry.   

I look over to my barren living room. I remain in a state of TV-couch Catch-22: get a couch that faces nothing, or a TV with no couch? What will I set the TV on?

My IKEA defiance has held for three weeks. Target supplied the basic supplies: glasses, plates, utensils, shower curtain, pots, pans. Now round 2: table, couch, chairs, TV, TV stand and I’d love toast with my eggs. IKEA could help. IKEA could help with all of that. But I have to remain strong. Slowly cross off at shops where everyone doesn’t shop. 

7:41am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z6pp4yLiGjqG
(Notes: 2)
  
May 14, 2012
Those Special Somebodys

It was around 2:00pm on a sunny Saturday afternoon. I was in the industrial part of town on my bike when I passed a bar with four tables lining the sidewalk. They were all filled.

This is a weird part of town to have such a popular bar, I thought.  

Then I saw a big sign standing on the sidewalk: Bottomless Mimosas all day Saturday & Sunday.

That’s a great deal.

Then, as I passed the tables I saw two hipsterettes grinding – each had a hand behind the other’s neck, hips rhythmically smashing and rubbing against each other – to Aalihay’s Are You That Somebody.

But in their defense, it was the part when Timbaland raps.

9:50am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z6pp4yLTXw3X
May 9, 2012
The Trials of the Dentist

This fucker still isn’t flossing. God damnit. What an asshole. Swore me up and down that he was gonna start. I even gave him a shit load of those flossing picks but no. He doesn’t have 25 seconds to spare.    

…

Bleeding all over my shit…Oh you “try to floss every once in a while?” Bitch I look at teeth all day. You think I don’t know flosssing? Flossing? Come at me with something real. Show me tooth decay or root canal or some shit. Motherfucker thinks I don’t know flossing…    

…

Fidgety ass bitch. You got a tiny mirror and a metal toothpick in your mouth. Get over it.

…

Look. I get it. You don’t want to be here. But imagine if you heard, “Oh my god I hate seeing the [Matt McCarron]. UGH! Nothing worse. I only have to see him twice a year, but goddamnit do I dread those days.”

…

Did this bitch really just say that Mr. Sucker sucks too much?

9:56am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z6pp4yLAJAZK
May 1, 2012
A Convenient Segue

We all have convenient details. Interesting and flattering tidbits about ourselves that we revel in when they get brought up. Not when we bring them up; when they get brought up. Maybe it’s the marathon you ran, a trip you took, the project you worked on. Something impressive that you can’t even bring up without sounding like an asshole.  

But every once in a while, a convenient segues unfolds at just the right time to allow you to modestly tell your story.

And here’s my segue: spring is to attractive women as convenient segues are to the rest of us. It’s a time when attractive women get to casually remind us that they are indeed attractive. Their beauty is accentuated. And this convenient occurrence seems to come out of nowhere. All of the sudden the weather is awesome and the attractive women are so much more attractive.  

They wear sundresses not to show off their bodies, but because it’s the season for sundresses. And of course shorts are going to extenuate their legs, they’re shorts.

Not that I’m complaining. I love when the weather turns nice.

I’m actually writing this from an outdoor coffee shop, basking in the sun like the rest of Portland. And there’s an attractive woman is sitting on the other side of the patio. She’s wearing a loose white tank top over navy blue shorts. Short, navy blue shorts. She has brown hair that falls to the top of her back, which is exposed. And she has a great back.

Everyone here is aware of her. Every guy and every girl. She looks good. And good for her. It’s her season to shine. She knows this. She’s been waiting for it.

Which is why I got great pleasure when the bathroom door finally opened. The “occupied” lever had been turned for a solid eight minutes. A women stood behind me. I tried to open the door just to make sure it wasn’t broken, but it was locked. Someone was inside. A man joined the line. And we waited. We all looked at each other. And we waited. 12 minutes passed.

Finally a flush. Running water. Pulled hand towels. And an opened door to revel the attractive woman. She looked down – as we all do – when she walked past the bathroom queue. And I can’t help but think that the woman and the man behind me joined me in staring at the attractive woman’s lowered face, daring her to look up and acknowledge this inconvenient segue.

9:33am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z6pp4yKhBQRC
April 30, 2012
Go Forrest, Go

Earlier today, as I was running past a bus stop in my short running shorts and bright orange running shirt, a kid yelled, Go Forrest, Go Forrest Go! Go Forrest, Go Forrest Go!

I ignore him at first, but he kept going.

Go Forrest, Go Forrest Go! Go Forrest, Go Forrest Go!

So I looked over at him and smiled.

I smiled not because he called me Forrest. I’ve heard that before. And I didn’t smile because he misquoted one of the most iconic movie lines of all time.

I smiled because he combined Forrest Gump’s “Run Forrest, Run!” and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze’s (featuring Vanilla Ice) “Go Ninja, Go Ninja Go! Go Ninja, Go Ninja Go!”

8:41am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z6pp4yKcoMKh
March 21, 2012
“What are you working on?”

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday night, Saturday and Sunday’s replacement for Monday’s “How was your weekend?”

(“What are your plans for the weekend?” is reserved for Friday.)

2:37pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z6pp4yILzjet
(Notes: 1)
  
March 21, 2012
New

Just when I start feeling comfortable in a new place, I’m reminded that I’m new.

Matt: Hey, Nate? Hi, I’m Matt.

Nathan: Hey, how’s it going?

Matt: Good. Do you have a minute? I wanted to bring you up to speed on the Coke project we’re working on together.

Nathan: Coke project?

Matt: Yeah, Robin said she e-mailed you about.

Nathan: Really?

Matt: Yeah…you gotta keep up with your emails.

Nathan: Oh, well, this is the first I’m hearing about. To be honest, this is coming at a really bad time. I’m slammed right now.

Matt: Yeah, Robin mentioned that.

Nathan: And I haven’t worked on Coke in almost two years. Do the CDs know I’m working on this?

Matt: Yeah man, we have a check-in with them on Friday.

Nathan: Friday? Dude, I have so much shit to do.

(his partner spoke up)

Mike: Matt. There’s no way. We have a presentation on Friday too. He can’t do both.

Matt: Look. I don’t know what to tell ya. We have a check-in on Friday.

Nathan: And Robin knows about this?

Matt: She’s the one that assigned it.

Nathan: She assigned Nathan G?

Matt: Yeah…Nate.

Nathan: Fuck man, I’m gonna be here all night.

Matt: Yeah I know, because it’s not the simple contest outlined in the brief anymore. I had an idea that makes a bit more complicated – well, much more complicated – but I already ran it by the CDs and they like it so now we have to do it. Oh and we’ll probably have to travel quite a bit.

Nathan: Dude. Really? My wife is going to murder me.

Mike: Matt, Nathan can’t work on this.

Matt: Mike, Nate has to work on this.

Nathan: Fuuuuuck.

Matt: Alright look, we can get someone from studio to sit in while we concept, that way there’ll less back and forth while we iron out the look.

Nathan: Wait, I have to work out the art direction? 

Matt: Yeah…that’s your job…

Nathan: I’m a writer.

Matt: What? I’m a writer. Why would Robin put two writers on this?

Nathan: You know that there’s another Nathan, right? And he’s an art director. And he actually goes by Nate.

10:00am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z6pp4yILFuxw
March 8, 2012

On days like today, when the sun is out and I feel energized, all I want to do is sit around and drink a beer.

2:08pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z6pp4yHgRIxx
March 6, 2012
Re: How’s it going?

Another what-have-you-been-up-to email? Damnit! I just wrote one of these. Fuck man, I didn’t want to work this weekend.

Maybe I should just come in early one day this week. I could write this one and maybe start that other one that’s been sitting in my inbox. I could probably copy stuff from one into the other.

Actually, no. I’m getting this over with right now. I’m going to write this while I’m thinking about it and just send it.   

Alright, here we go.

Hey You!

Things are going well. Yup, I’m still working for the same company, and I’m still enjoying.

No, I haven’t met your friend that lives in the same city as me. I’ll keep my eyes out though!

What have you been up to?

Matt


No, I need more to it than that.

Hey You!

Great to hear from you!

Things are going well. I was actually thinking about sending you an email to see what you’ve been up to. But you beat me to it. Yeah, you got to send the easy one. Now sitting here like a chump, about to write an essay about my job, my apartment, that girl that I was dating months ago – thanks for bring that up – when I’ll be home next, and a little anecdote to give it a personal touch. To make it seem like I care. Well you know what?


Let me start over.

Hey You!

Great to hear from you. I was actually thinking about sending you an email to see what you’ve been up to. But you beat me to it!

Things are going well. I’m still working at the same company and I’m still enjoying it. I’m actually on a different account since we last e-mailed. I switched about three months ago to work on this new project. It’s pretty cool, but kind of hard to explain. Let me try. So you know that new product that the company’s releasing, well

Oh fuck. This is going to have to wait till Saturday.

10:00am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z6pp4yHZlUO7
(Notes: 1)
  
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